I think most people have struggled with this issue at some point in their lives. Who knows exactly how it came about, we could blame it on our childhood or our society and culture with its glorification of passionate love. But ultimately the responsibility of not becoming addicted to someone else and loosing site of ourselves squarely falls upon our shoulders.
Women tend to be more likely to abandon their friends, lives and ultimately themselves when they become wrapped around a man. After the honeymoon the next phase ultimately becomes a painful experience when one of them (typically the male but not always) decides that they need "space" and all of a sudden it throws the other one into an emotional "what's wrong with me?" crisis, a further indication that they are indeed codependent. You can't get enough of each other in the beginning, "how romantic" suddenly becomes "he/she is so clingy and needy" this is often a devastating turn and is certainly not appealing or attractive ot anyone.
What is equally as devastating is the relationships codependents compromise with their other friends and family as they become completely immersed into their new found love. As a bystander you see this inevitable crash coming and yet you know there is nothing that you can say or do, or that you would even want to- because we've all been there and we know its coming. I liken this to throwing your arm out over a passenger during a car crash. As the dutiful friend you are supposed to be there for the foolish after the fallout even though they have all but ignored you for the last several months. I always wonder why so many women are willing to abandon their friends but men, not so much and I wonder why this is totally acceptable behavior for women to treat each other like this. Humm, maybe women have something to learn from men after all.
The truth is no matter how much its "meant to be" it's never healthy to completely wrap yourself around another person no matter how intoxicating it may feel. Because the honeymoon is a temporary state and at some point when you come back down to earth you may find yourself even more alone and needy since you've allowed your interpersonal relationship, your life, and yourself fall to the wayside and the one and only person you've allowed yourself to spend time with lately is not an option anymore. If the relationship recovers, you have now set up a pattern of codependency that will last for the duration of that relationship. Ultimately these relationships seldom last because you have allowed yourself to be sucked dry and you are now a skeleton of who you once were, this creates much despair and even resentment towards your partner. What's that you say? " I do get something out of it, I am sooo happy!" Okay but again, when that wears off - and it it will, you are just left with the empty needle that once held the drug you were addicted to and what is ultimately an illusion. The truth is - you are the one that allowed it to happen.
I believe a good life is one that is balanced, easier said than done. When I find myself beginning a new relationship I hold fast to my boundaries and things I need to get done and I let the other person know that I have other things going on in my life besides them. Sure I have to give a little but I have learned the hard way if you give all of yourself away there is nothing left to give back to yourself. Establishing your boundaries early in the relationship will ultimately set you up for success for yourself and everyone else in your life. Hopefully they have a life too, and are all too grateful for your wise perspective, and may find it refreshing from relationships in the past. If they don't have a life outside of your - not a good sign. I've also have learned that if it is an illusion from the start I'd rather not be a believer but that's just a personal choice. Without further adieu I have posted a list of codependent behaviors:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on you.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask for what you want.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
There are many lists and resources out there for codependency because so many of us are guilty of it. If you find yourself guilty of this, it might be worth your while to try to get it resolved. According to the authors of this article there are flower essences to help with particular issues:
If it's beginning to seem like you and a friend or two are codependent, there are flower essences that could be useful. The list below is abstracted from Jeffrey Garson Shapiro's The Flower Remedy Book, under the rubric (i.e. search characteristic) of Co-Dependence:
Agrimony (Bach, Pegasus) -- Hiding true feelings, using an outer mask of cheerfulness.
Apple (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Healthy self-image, cleansing destructive emotions.
Avocado (Masters, FES, Green Hope, Pegasus) -- To become "undependent," awareness of patterns.
Bleeding Heart (FES, Pegasus) -- Possessive/clinging, letting go of emotional dependence.
Buttercup (FES, Pegasus) -- Low self-esteem, lack of self-worth in relationships.
Centaury (Bach) -- Unhealthy need to serve or please others, accepting exploitations.
Cerato (Bach, Pegasus) -- Inability to make decisions, overly reliant on advice of others.
Chicory (Bach, Pegasus) -- Neediness, possessiveness, manipulative.
Date (Masters) -- Finding fault in others instead of focusing on own issues.
Elm (Bach, Pegasus) -- Securing affection by being the hero, afraid to let others down.
Fairy Lantern (FES) -- Feigning helplessness or over-dependence.
Goldenrod (FES, Green Hope, Pegasus) -- Dependence on social approval of others.
Grape (Masters) -- Finding love in self instead of expecting others to provide fulfillment.
Mariposa Lily (FES) -- Abandonment/insecurity from childhood which distorts present.
Milkweed (FES, Pegasus) -- Extreme dependence.
Peach (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Serving others out of wholeness, not neediness.
Pine (Bach) -- Internalizing guilt, taking blame/responsibility for others' faults.
Pink Yarrow (FES) -- Enmeshed in others' feelings, can't identify own feelings.
Red Chestnut (Bach, Pegasus) -- Excessive worry/concern for others, over-identification.
Strawberry (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Dissolves need for approval, cleanses guilt/self-blame.
Sunflower (FES, Green Hope, Pegasus, Alaskan) -- Developing healthy sense of ego, feeling radiant/assertive.
Tansy (FES, Pegasus) -- Holding back to placate family system.
Walnut (Bach, Pegasus) -- Dysfunctional ties to family system/social standards.
Willow (Bach, Pegasus) -- Seeing oneself as a victim, not taking responsibility.
source:http://www.floweressencemagazine.com/aug05/codependencypals.html
Women tend to be more likely to abandon their friends, lives and ultimately themselves when they become wrapped around a man. After the honeymoon the next phase ultimately becomes a painful experience when one of them (typically the male but not always) decides that they need "space" and all of a sudden it throws the other one into an emotional "what's wrong with me?" crisis, a further indication that they are indeed codependent. You can't get enough of each other in the beginning, "how romantic" suddenly becomes "he/she is so clingy and needy" this is often a devastating turn and is certainly not appealing or attractive ot anyone.
What is equally as devastating is the relationships codependents compromise with their other friends and family as they become completely immersed into their new found love. As a bystander you see this inevitable crash coming and yet you know there is nothing that you can say or do, or that you would even want to- because we've all been there and we know its coming. I liken this to throwing your arm out over a passenger during a car crash. As the dutiful friend you are supposed to be there for the foolish after the fallout even though they have all but ignored you for the last several months. I always wonder why so many women are willing to abandon their friends but men, not so much and I wonder why this is totally acceptable behavior for women to treat each other like this. Humm, maybe women have something to learn from men after all.
The truth is no matter how much its "meant to be" it's never healthy to completely wrap yourself around another person no matter how intoxicating it may feel. Because the honeymoon is a temporary state and at some point when you come back down to earth you may find yourself even more alone and needy since you've allowed your interpersonal relationship, your life, and yourself fall to the wayside and the one and only person you've allowed yourself to spend time with lately is not an option anymore. If the relationship recovers, you have now set up a pattern of codependency that will last for the duration of that relationship. Ultimately these relationships seldom last because you have allowed yourself to be sucked dry and you are now a skeleton of who you once were, this creates much despair and even resentment towards your partner. What's that you say? " I do get something out of it, I am sooo happy!" Okay but again, when that wears off - and it it will, you are just left with the empty needle that once held the drug you were addicted to and what is ultimately an illusion. The truth is - you are the one that allowed it to happen.
I believe a good life is one that is balanced, easier said than done. When I find myself beginning a new relationship I hold fast to my boundaries and things I need to get done and I let the other person know that I have other things going on in my life besides them. Sure I have to give a little but I have learned the hard way if you give all of yourself away there is nothing left to give back to yourself. Establishing your boundaries early in the relationship will ultimately set you up for success for yourself and everyone else in your life. Hopefully they have a life too, and are all too grateful for your wise perspective, and may find it refreshing from relationships in the past. If they don't have a life outside of your - not a good sign. I've also have learned that if it is an illusion from the start I'd rather not be a believer but that's just a personal choice. Without further adieu I have posted a list of codependent behaviors:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain.
4. My mental attention is focused on you.
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
11. Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask for what you want.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
There are many lists and resources out there for codependency because so many of us are guilty of it. If you find yourself guilty of this, it might be worth your while to try to get it resolved. According to the authors of this article there are flower essences to help with particular issues:
If it's beginning to seem like you and a friend or two are codependent, there are flower essences that could be useful. The list below is abstracted from Jeffrey Garson Shapiro's The Flower Remedy Book, under the rubric (i.e. search characteristic) of Co-Dependence:
Agrimony (Bach, Pegasus) -- Hiding true feelings, using an outer mask of cheerfulness.
Apple (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Healthy self-image, cleansing destructive emotions.
Avocado (Masters, FES, Green Hope, Pegasus) -- To become "undependent," awareness of patterns.
Bleeding Heart (FES, Pegasus) -- Possessive/clinging, letting go of emotional dependence.
Buttercup (FES, Pegasus) -- Low self-esteem, lack of self-worth in relationships.
Centaury (Bach) -- Unhealthy need to serve or please others, accepting exploitations.
Cerato (Bach, Pegasus) -- Inability to make decisions, overly reliant on advice of others.
Chicory (Bach, Pegasus) -- Neediness, possessiveness, manipulative.
Date (Masters) -- Finding fault in others instead of focusing on own issues.
Elm (Bach, Pegasus) -- Securing affection by being the hero, afraid to let others down.
Fairy Lantern (FES) -- Feigning helplessness or over-dependence.
Goldenrod (FES, Green Hope, Pegasus) -- Dependence on social approval of others.
Grape (Masters) -- Finding love in self instead of expecting others to provide fulfillment.
Mariposa Lily (FES) -- Abandonment/insecurity from childhood which distorts present.
Milkweed (FES, Pegasus) -- Extreme dependence.
Peach (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Serving others out of wholeness, not neediness.
Pine (Bach) -- Internalizing guilt, taking blame/responsibility for others' faults.
Pink Yarrow (FES) -- Enmeshed in others' feelings, can't identify own feelings.
Red Chestnut (Bach, Pegasus) -- Excessive worry/concern for others, over-identification.
Strawberry (Masters, FES, Pegasus) -- Dissolves need for approval, cleanses guilt/self-blame.
Sunflower (FES, Green Hope, Pegasus, Alaskan) -- Developing healthy sense of ego, feeling radiant/assertive.
Tansy (FES, Pegasus) -- Holding back to placate family system.
Walnut (Bach, Pegasus) -- Dysfunctional ties to family system/social standards.
Willow (Bach, Pegasus) -- Seeing oneself as a victim, not taking responsibility.
source:http://www.floweressencemagazine.com/aug05/codependencypals.html
Posts
0 Response to "Romance or Codependency?"
Post a Comment