I started thinking about where I am and how I got here -- specifically how I used to be more social in the physical world and now I am, at times, more social online. I started to panic at the realization that I had become a virtual social butterfly and a physical recluse- well not quite that bad but, more than what I am comfortable with. Of course I realized that this was a slow process that developed out of circumstance, being a single mom, having to stay in raising a child in my 20's - 30's all by myself. Not having a great deal of spending cash to play with, combined with being an unintentional gypsy all compounded this problem. But was it a problem?


I was uncomfortable with it at times, at other times I enjoyed it. Now I fully intend to become more social in a few weeks when a very important and time consuming part of my life comes to an end. This brings into light another perspective I share -- not to take in so much that I don't enjoy my life. A good life is a balanced one. Working on long term goals while enjoying the present is really important for happiness and satisfaction.


Then I started thinking about how time was so relevant to our experiences. Why is it that it goes by so fast when we are having a ball, and so slowly while we are bored, or waiting for the next fun thing. The spaces between one high to the next is where life plays out and shapes us, it can make us different people, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Haven't you ever found yourself being "not like me" while hanging in limbo? It kind of makes you a little crazy. I guess that's a consideration, does being in limbo make you crazy? Is that what a gypsy likes? The thrill of uncertainty, of not knowing, it's like a ride with no clear end. So this made me wonder if some of us are self destructive so that we can continue to be on this never ending ride. A candle in the wind. Does that make us deeply flawed? Or have we simply embraced the fact that life is so unpredictable, we may as well enjoy it.


All this stems from this idea of wanting to be authentic. I want my ideal and my real to match up, at least to the degree that I am not a fraud. When I say ideal -- I also include the perception that people have of me. I want to make sure that people understand that I push content on ideals, but I am not always what I wish to be myself. I certainly don't think others are either. I think their content reflects something, if it is them or who they wish to be, need, desire, identify with or hate. To say it is unauthentic is not accurate though, because I think people are like cut diamonds, with many facets and different facets show through at different times and placed depending on what is required or expected of the situation. I think that most people have a space between ideals and real that they try to reconcile, learning to be happy and realizing that life is a constant transition is the trick. There is no destination, there are only milestones along the way.


There is a whole lot of stuff that goes on in my head, I play in the space of my mind sometimes. I don't know if that's good or bad, it is what it it is. I suspect many people exists like this. It's why I write, to get out there, out of my head and into life. Isn't it interesting that because of social media that we are all documenting our lives on live feed, blogs and flickr? This was a concept that was unknowing 20 years ago and now it's mainstream. We allow the world to read, reflect and respond to our lives, thoughts and actions. We do so with the knowledge that any moment someone could judge us.


Despite what people's perceptions are about us online, we are still people. We have to get up the morning and take our dogs for walks, feed our babies and go to jobs. Much of what is in our heads stays there and what comes out of our mouths sometimes is less than diplomatic. The mundane. Of course, no one really wants to read about that stuff, do they? I suspect that celebrities struggle with this idea, my public persona vs. my intimate life. I share my intimate life to some degree with the public, but I leave things out. I am allowed. I guess what I am saying is that if I seem larger than life online, I am not. It's just venue for me to play, an avenue for my imagination and self expression. It is who I am minus the bullshit utility of life. I guess it would make sense to say the light does shine brighter when the lens is cleaned of the mud.