The leaves are starting to turn, the days shrinking and the light cloudier. Today I've been in such a funk, I felt like buoy in the throws of a storm. Sure hormonal changes are to blame, maybe. I think they just magnify what is really going on. What's going on is I moved and it's not better, the sadness followed me here at least for now. It was better for a little while, while I was busy, while I couldn't think because I was exhausted, while I had too much to do. But now sorrow my old friend is back to pay me a most unwelcomed visit.
My daughter is not adjusting well, she's a tough one to handle on a good day, now she is as despondent is they come. I've ruined her life, moving her away from her friends, so she thinks. I wish I could show her what is to come, what will be good about this but experience is not a thing to be explained. In the mean time she is making my life hell too - I guess we both get to be miserable still, but just for different reasons. Everyday is now a battle field in which I have no reprive except when she is gone, how I wish it weren't this way. No matter how hard I try it always ends up the same way - we are mad at each other. Because at the end of the day she is still a sloppy pain in my ass teenager and I have to be the disciplinarian. I wish I had some help. Help someone please help me.
When I lost my job at the end of May it felt like cutting off a tumor, it was relief - even though I knew it would hurt. One would think an unemployed person wouldn't have much to do but quite the contrary, I have plenty to do - just no boss or paycheck to make me do it. Here is where the self loathing comes in. I should be taking advantage of this gift of time off and enjoy my life and instead some days I am just sad and empty at times. Unmotivated, depressed or maybe not, really just - feeling blah. I think there is a difference between depression and feeling blah right? Blah wears off. I hope it's just blah. I have no health care in which to treat the "d" word.
What I need is a breeze of inspiration to breathe some life into my tired, aching, loveless soul. I need my love banks refilled, I need some joy and fun. I need friendships and community and most of all the motivation and courage to go and find it. I hope that the next time that I have something to write in this blog it's good news.
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